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Being a Bridesmaid

 

Being a bridesmaid. It’s a minefield. You think it’s just a big party where you can wear a gorgeous frock and down prosecco from dawn to dusk with your best mate. Then things start going wrong. Inexplicably, it suddenly becomes your fault when the first dance was delayed, everyone and their Nan is fuming and your mate is huddled on the floor sobbing in 2 grands worth of white dress. Well, that escalated quickly. I’ve been bridesmaid the grand total of 3 times (apparently I’m never getting married) and have developed a system to avoid full meltdown.

The Bride

Otherwise known as your lovely, sane, funny mate who you’ve shared everything with from boy drama to work issues. All of a sudden, once she begins wedding planning, she disappears and is replaced with some lady who won’t shut up about table planning and the right shade of teal. Just breathe. She is spending an extraordinary amount of money on one day. You would want everything to be perfect as well. She will come back. I started sulking before one of the weddings, thinking that was it, once they were married they would turn into one of those couples who do nothing but talk about Tupperware and mortgages. I spend an inexplicable amount of time at their house drinking rum. She is still the mate you love. There’s just a second person to rant with you.

The Groom

To be fair, there aren’t normally any issues with him. He thanks you, gives you a present and you just have remember to smile. Just stay away from his mates. There will be a idiot amongst them, and he’s normally making a beeline for the bridesmaid. Avoid.

The Expense

There’s no way to sugarcoat this. It will cost you a bloody fortune. Even if your dress, shoes and bag are paid for by the happy couple, you will end up crying when logging onto your internet banking. The hen do is the big one. You will spend more than you think you will, between buying rounds, accessories, presents and making sure the bride has a fantastic time without worrying, suddenly you’ve spent 2 weeks wages. Add onto that the cost of hairdressers, spray tans, nails, hotel stays and make-up artists. Start saving as soon as she starts flashing the ring.

The Big Day

The fact it has maid in the name should tip you off. You are going to be running around all day. The only time you’ll probably sit down is when you’re eating the meal. From crawling on the floor fitting seat covers, (oh the glamour) to setting the tables, you’ll start to feel like a knackered 1920’s scullery wench. Keep your temper, the fun bit is about to start. Getting ready. This is half like every other Saturday gossiping and swigging prosecco and half getting frustrated that the hairdresser is a half hour late and your mate is threatening death and dismemberment. After that it’s a blur (sometimes literally, keep tissues in your bag, you will well up) of vows, photos, dances, food, speeches, toilet visits, refereeing arguments and being a general dogsbody. My advice? Have a huge breakfast and keep smiling when someone’s Auntie decides to lecture you on wearing white. You can bitch later.

It’s hard work, you can find yourself on a six month diet, lose entire weekends doing wedding stuff like stuffing invitations and you’ll end up snarling when some idiot in the office asks ‘hows the wedding planning going then?’. It can mess with your head, she’s getting married and I’m not sure where the cheese grater lives. (Joking, melted cheese makes up 29% of my diet.) It’s also an experience you’ll never forget and you’ll both be laughing about it in 10 years time. Take a couple of days after the wedding off and spend the time just on you. If all else fails, keep this in your head, one day she’ll be your bridesmaid. Start planning your revenge.

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