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How to be a Gentleman

This post is based at you, you lucky fellas.

Now Country Life published a list on how to be a modern gentleman. Now, some are pretty boss like knowing how to unhook a bra one handed, breaking up with a girl face to face and never kissing and telling. Others on the other hand are beyond shite. Sings lustily in church? Can sail a boat and ride a horse? Tips staff in a private house and a gamekeeper? Get to fuck. I thought I’d give you lads out there some actual useful tips on how to be a gentleman.

  1. Before a night out, your girl will want to get her tan sorted. Seeing as we are not double jointed, you will need to do her back for her. Man up, do it and stop complaining about getting St Tropez on your hands.
  2. The next day, even if you are as fresh as a daisy, volunteer to go to Maccies for the hangover food. She’ll think of you as her saviour. Easy.
  3. You know those really comfy trackie bottoms that you love? They don’t belong to you anymore. We feel teeny tiny in them, so now they’re ours. Give in with good grace.
  4. Her best mate is an absolute fitty. You know nothing will ever happen but it’s still nice to look am I right? Wrong, dickhead. When she’s showing off the photos from Saturday night, she’ll be watching you like a hawk to see your reaction. Mention something like, “Sorry babe, didn’t realise she was in the photo, I was too busy looking at you.”
  5. If in doubt for a formal event, wear a navy suit. Amazing what it’ll do for you.
  6. It’s 3am, you’ve had a hard week and actually stayed in for once rather than gone out with the lads. Your lady rings, pissed and wanting an hour chat. Do not have a strop on the next day. Instead as she’s cringing, tell her how nice it was to hear her voice. You’ll be rewarded.
  7. If she sends nudes, tell her how amazing she looks. If she doesn’t want to, don’t pester. Nothing turns us off quicker.
  8. Do not talk about your ex. We already know her name, what she does and what her best mate looks like. Talking about what she was like in bed, how she never got moody and how she always laughed at your jokes is a pretty easy way to find yourself on the couch if you’re lucky, back at your Mum’s if you’re not.
  9. When she says she wants you to meet her friends, do not turn up in trainers and with your lads in tow. Make an effort, buy them drinks, listen to their men drama, tell them that your mates aren’t good enough for them. Do you WANT to be bitched about from now until eternity? Our mates are our families.
  10. If she’s got that angry face on, you’ve been snapped at twice in 10 minutes and you’re not quite sure what you’ve done? It’s all your fault you knob. Get down to the shops sharpish and bring back a present.

We can be a tricky breed, we know exactly what we want, we can turn from an angel to the devil within 2.3 seconds and we expect a lot from our blokes. Follow these rules and if in doubt just agree with her. After all, if we’re princesses then we need our blokes to be princes.

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